- The factors that are within your control that might affect how your ceremony lands.
- The factors not within your control, which sometimes you can do very little about.
- How to manage your emotions when you have ceremonies that don’t go to plan.
Episode transcript
This is an approximate transcript summary of the podcast.
Hello and welcome to the latest episode of the Celebrant Survival Podcast! I'm your host, Natasha Johnson, and I'm excited to be recording this episode today as it’s been a while. We took a little hiatus while we immersed ourselves in our ceremony and celebrant work. If you didn't know, Claire and I are also full-time celebrants in addition to running the Celebrants Collective. Can you believe it? Yes, we are! That means we’ve been quite busy with our wedding and funeral work over the summer. However, we're back now, and I’m thrilled to bring you new episodes.
In today's episode, I'm flying solo, and I’ll be discussing what I consider to be four key elements that can really make or break your ceremony. I hope you're excited and that I can successfully convey the thoughts swirling in my head. Sometimes that doesn’t happen as clearly as I'd like, but I’m optimistic!
So, let’s dive in. Picture this: if you’re a celebrant who has conducted a variety of ceremonies, you may have experienced writing a great script and establishing a good connection with the couple or family you’re working with. You turn up on the day, deliver the ceremony, and for some unknown reason, it just feels flat. Nothing major went wrong, the clients seem happy, but at the end of it, you find yourself thinking, “That was… meh.” You can’t quite put your finger on it, but it didn’t feel as impactful as you expected.
I’ve had my fair share of those experiences over my 17 years as a celebrant. Sometimes, how you imagine a ceremony will unfold is not at all how it actually goes, which can be either a pleasant surprise or a disappointment. For example, I was speaking to Lucy, my associate, who just completed her last ceremony of the year. She thought it would be a fine ceremony, with lovely clients, and expected everything to be okay. However, the ceremony exceeded her expectations and turned out to be brilliant, even though there had been heavy rain the night before. On the morning of the wedding, the ceremony was filled with joy and laughter, and the guests were in high spirits. Lucy was truly blown away by the experience, especially given the initial concerns about the bad weather.
Conversely, there are times when you put together what you believe to be the most amazing ceremony, and you deliver it with excitement, but it just feels flat. Everything went fine, but the energy just didn’t match your enthusiasm. You may find yourself wondering why the guests aren’t as hyped as you are. It can be challenging to pinpoint what exactly is missing, but the most fitting word I often come back to is "flat."
Through my experiences, I've come to realize that certain conditions can significantly affect the vibe of a ceremony. So, let's explore those elements together!
It doesn’t really matter how brilliant your script is—though perhaps it does—but sometimes, even with a great script, if certain other conditions aren’t ideal, it can significantly impact how your ceremony is received. That’s what I want to explore today: the various elements that can really affect a ceremony and make or break the overall experience. So let’s dive right in because I have a lot to discuss, and I want to ensure I cover all the points I've been contemplating.
First and foremost, the celebrant is a crucial element that can truly make or break a ceremony. We always hope to create a successful ceremony, but sometimes unexpected things happen that can derail it. For instance, there may be situations where mistakes occur, impacting the ceremony negatively. I want to emphasize that I believe issues arising from the celebrant should be the least common occurrence.
When ceremonies don’t go as planned, it usually isn’t due to something the celebrant has done. I sincerely hope that's the case for most of you. For a ceremony to go wrong because of the celebrant, it typically requires a significant error. I believe that if a celebrant truly messes up, it often comes down to a lack of experience, negligence, or perhaps a technical issue that, while not directly their fault, they are still held accountable for.
For example, if your sound equipment fails or there’s a technology glitch, it isn’t your fault, but it still reflects on you since you’re responsible for it. There are certainly times when a celebrant can influence a ceremony negatively. This could even occur if the celebrant is unwell or simply not feeling high-energy on the day of the event. Sometimes, it might be something the celebrant isn't even aware of that affects the ceremony's atmosphere.
If you find yourself in a situation where the ceremony didn't go as hoped, try not to beat yourself up about it—unless it’s a truly major, avoidable mistake you could have prevented. Sometimes, it might be an unintentional error on your part that contributes to the ceremony not having the desired effect.
Reflecting on my experiences, I recall a situation where I was given updated information but wasn't informed of the change before the ceremony. As a result, I mentioned the outdated information, and the couple expressed that they didn't want that included in the speech. This occurred after the ceremony, and I believe this contributed to my feeling that the ceremony wasn't delivered in the way I had hoped. Parts of it were incorrect or not meant to be mentioned, which impacted my overall performance.
While nothing explicitly was said to me at the time, as a celebrant, it's not uncommon to feel that a ceremony hasn't been delivered as intended. Often, the couple, their families, and guests might be unaware of the discrepancies. Still, it’s interesting to note that we, as celebrants, play a crucial role in the success of a ceremony. It’s important for us to ensure we are thoroughly prepared and to present ourselves as warm, friendly, and attentive. We need to make sure our information is accurate and reflects the wishes of our clients.
It's essential to show up as our best celebrant selves. However, challenges can arise, especially for new or inexperienced celebrants who might feel nervous. This could lead to stumbling over the script or delivering it in a monotonous way, or maybe even sounding too over the top. Sometimes, the energy just doesn't match the couple or their guests, which is simply a reality of being a celebrant.
These experiences can negatively impact a ceremony, but it's important to remember that perfection isn't always achievable. Mistakes are part of the learning process and vital for growth as celebrants. Facing challenges helps us become stronger and more focused on improving our craft.
In essence, the celebrant can indeed make or break a ceremony. It's crucial to do everything possible to ensure everything goes smoothly. However, as a caveat, sometimes the outcome is beyond our control. If you’ve done your best and the ceremony still doesn’t go as planned, there's not much more you can do. As long as you’ve maintained a professional demeanor, that is all we can ask of ourselves and what others can expect from us.
If you find yourself making mistakes during a ceremony, it could be due to nervous energy or other factors, and people may hold you accountable for that. However, I hope you have those aspects under control. As I mentioned at the start, I believe that while the celebrant can influence the ceremony, it is not as crucial a factor as other elements. But please correct me if I’m mistaken.
Moving on to my second point: the guests. Believe it or not, I have a lot to say about this element. Earlier in the episode, I discussed how you could have crafted the most beautiful ceremony in your mind, and the clients might approve and be excited about it. Yet, when the day comes, it can sometimes feel flat. I truly dislike those experiences—when the ceremony doesn’t feel as impactful as I expected.
I have to admit that there are times when I think a ceremony feels lackluster, but the guests and the couple may have a completely different experience. They might express gratitude, saying, “Oh, that was so lovely. Thank you so much,” while I’m left thinking, “Really? I thought it felt flat.”
This feeling of flatness may not just be in my mind; it can sometimes be shared by others. I believe the guests play a significant role in how a ceremony is perceived. For instance, in the context of weddings (though I’m sure this applies to funerals as well), when you have a fantastic crowd of supportive guests, the atmosphere changes. They are fully present, allowing themselves to embrace the celebration or commemoration of someone’s life. They cheer and engage with the couple, creating a lively environment.
I know from experience that the same can happen in funerals, where amazing guests go along with the flow of the ceremony and genuinely connect with the script. These kinds of ceremonies are incredible; every celebrant hopes for guests to engage meaningfully and respond in ways that align with the emotional tone set during the event.
However, when guests are disengaged or appear vacant, it becomes quite obvious. There’s nothing worse than expecting a vibrant celebration only to feel as though you’re conducting a solemn occasion. I’ve had a few ceremonies this year where I wanted to pause and ask, “Is anyone here?” Guests can sometimes feel absent, not engaging in the way you anticipate for such a significant moment.
This leads to my next point, which should have been my second, regarding the couple—but it smoothly transitions into that topic. When I say "couple," I mean all clients in general. So I talk about couples because I'm a wedding celebrant but this could be your clients. Clients play a significant role in the success of a ceremony, impacting it from the initial planning stages to the actual day of the event. They are crucial to the process of creating a meaningful ceremony for themselves or their loved ones. Their demeanor and engagement on the day can greatly influence the overall atmosphere of the event.
From my experience with weddings, there are occasions when couples seem completely preoccupied and detached during the ceremony. While it’s perfectly normal for couples to share quiet moments or laugh about something while the ceremony is taking place, I have encountered situations where they appear to be having their own conversation, completely missing the significance of the moment. For instance, I once heard a bride ask the groom mid-ceremony whether he had informed the caterers about a guest's gluten-free needs. This happened while I was sharing a meaningful part of the ceremony, which should have commanded their full attention.
As a result, that particular ceremony felt flat, as the main figures—the couple—were mentally elsewhere and not engaged in the experience. It’s disappointing when couples aren’t present, as they truly can make or break the ceremony.
Additionally, I’ve noticed that some couples arrive at the ceremony overwhelmed with stress, which can prevent them from relaxing and fully participating. This stress can detract from their experience and, consequently, affect the overall mood of the ceremony.
Sometimes, the atmosphere of a ceremony can feel flat, which can be disappointing. Hopefully, by the end of this episode, I'll come up with a better word than "flat," but for now, it will have to do.
There are instances when couples who have children haven't provided clear directions to their family members or friends about what to do with their kids during the ceremony. If the children start misbehaving or becoming restless, the couple may become preoccupied with them and lose focus on the ceremony itself. This can be quite disheartening, especially when it feels like the couple isn’t fully present.
When the couple seems disconnected from the ceremony, it can negatively impact the overall energy of the event. Guests often pick up on this disconnection, which can lead to a noticeable shift in the atmosphere. I’ve certainly experienced this challenge with couples who have children. When kids are causing a fuss, the attention naturally shifts to them, and guests might be thinking, "Why isn't anyone addressing this?"
For those wondering why I don't directly intervene, I usually ask my couples in advance what they prefer to do if their children get restless. Even when I communicate during the ceremony that parents can step outside to handle any disruptions, sometimes those guidelines are overlooked. With their own kids, parents might forget the rules altogether, or they may not apply as they would with other children.
Perhaps this situation deserves its own podcast episode altogether!
There are times when couples may feel disconnected during their own ceremonies for various reasons, which can significantly impact the overall experience. This brings me to the third element I wanted to discuss.
So far, I’ve covered the first element: the celebrant, who can either make or break a ceremony based on their engagement and performance. The second element is the guests. Sometimes, guests may not behave in the way you hope they will, which can affect the atmosphere.
Before I recap the third point, I’m reminded of instances where guests have had too much to drink. While boozy guests can sometimes enhance the ceremony’s vibe and add a sense of fun, there are occasions when their behavior becomes annoying. Initially, their interruptions might seem humorous, but after a while, they can detract from the experience, leading to thoughts like, "Can someone get rid of that person, please?"
It's worth noting that many of the ceremonies I conduct here in Spain start with welcome drinks, which may include alcohol. Occasionally, guests can become a little too merry. While this merriment can be lovely, it can also be overwhelming.
Guests and their energy can truly make or break the ceremony. There’s nothing worse than a super fun couple paired with guests who seem disinterested or subdued, almost as if they’re at a funeral. It sometimes feels like these guests don’t match the couple's energy or the celebrant's vibe. It could be that some guests struggle to express themselves in a ceremony setting because they come in with traditional expectations of how they should behave.
Even if the ceremony is nothing out of the ordinary and simply a lovely, personalized celebration, some guests might feel overwhelmed or uncertain about how to engage. They might be taking it all in, feeling subdued, or simply not participating as you’d hope. Whatever the reason, such dynamics can disrupt the ceremony's vibe and leave you feeling unfulfilled or disappointed afterward. Unfortunately, there’s often not much you can do to change this.
When discussing weddings, there are several factors that can impact the ceremony. Sometimes, circumstances are completely out of your control. One of the key points I want to emphasize is the environment. This encompasses the surroundings, the venue, the location, and even the weather. All of these elements can significantly influence the mood and success of the ceremony.
You can have everything planned perfectly: an amazing script, a couple that is excited and happy, and guests who are in great spirits. However, there could still be external factors related to the environment that make or break the ceremony. For instance, if the ceremony is held outdoors, it might be difficult for people to hear or they could easily get distracted. Weather conditions also play a crucial role in shaping the atmosphere.
Having been a celebrant in Spain, I’ve seen firsthand how the sun, while often revered, can adversely affect a ceremony. When temperatures soar above 40 degrees Celsius, it can create an uncomfortable environment for both the couple and the guests. There have been occasions where I could see guests looking at me with pleading eyes, silently asking me to wrap things up so they could find shade or get a drink, as they were utterly overheated. This discomfort undoubtedly impacts the overall vibe of the ceremony.
I recall a particularly memorable wedding where the couple had planned a beautiful ceremony filled with personal touches, including a group song and a handfasting ritual. However, an unexpected incident occurred just before the ceremony started. Though we were informed that the bride was on her way, an issue with her dress delayed her arrival. As a result, the guests were left waiting in the sun longer than anticipated. By the time the ceremony began, they were already hot, flustered, and uncomfortable.
As the celebrant, I felt immense pressure to conduct the ceremony swiftly while still honoring the couple's wishes for a meaningful event. Afterward, as guests were walking to the cocktail area, I overheard one of them comment, "God, that went on a bit, didn't it?" This feedback was disheartening, as the ceremony lasted only about 30 to 35 minutes. The attendees' discomfort due to heat made it feel much longer.
Weather, therefore, can be a decisive factor in how a ceremony unfolds. As a celebrant, I've also dealt with challenges related to cold or rainy outdoor ceremonies, which can significantly affect the experience. Additionally, the venue itself can impact the ceremony's energy. Sometimes the space chosen may not be suitable or conducive to creating a positive atmosphere, resulting in a less effective experience for everyone involved.
Overall, the environment—be it weather, location, or space—plays a crucial role in the success of any ceremony.
Sometimes, there are factors that are beyond our control during a ceremony. For instance, the lighting might be too dim, making it difficult to connect with people, or it could be too bright, creating an uncomfortable atmosphere. Additionally, if the environment is noisy, external distractions can interfere with the experience. All of these elements can disrupt the flow of the ceremony.
I mentioned four key elements that can impact a ceremony: the celebrant, the couple, the guests, and the environment. While this may not be groundbreaking information, this is the first time I’ve discussed these elements in this context, and I find it quite interesting. Hopefully, the next time you attend a ceremony that doesn’t quite resonate the way you hoped, you’ll consider whether one of these factors contributed to that feeling.
There came a point for me when I realized why a particular ceremony felt flat—perhaps it was due to a distracting noise or some other unforeseen circumstance. Sometimes, it really does boil down to these four factors, either one or a combination of them.
As you gain more experience as a celebrant, you’ll learn to read the room better and identify potential issues in advance. If you notice something that might be a problem—such as excessive noise or uncomfortable temperature—there may be steps you can take to address it. However, as I mentioned earlier, there will be instances where you cannot control these factors. In such cases, it's important to do your job to the best of your ability, hold your head high, and let it go.
Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up about it. If you feel a ceremony didn’t go as planned, consider journaling about it. I personally find that writing about my experiences after a ceremony helps me feel better and lighter, as these situations are just part of being a celebrant.
So, those are my four elements that I believe can make or break a ceremony. I was about to say “celery” instead of “ceremony”! As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave any comments or post in our Facebook group if you have additional insights or factors you think could influence a ceremony. Let’s keep the conversation going in our community.
Thank you so much for listening, and until next time, take care. Bye-bye!
---